Despair in the departure lounge

1. Sexual orientation.
I'm attracted to males, so I guess that makes me straight.

2. What I’m really bad at:
relationships with people.

3. The one person whose arms I’d like to be in:
weirdly enough, this past couple of days I've been really thinking about this guy I've liked for the past year or so.

4. My best first date:
I don't think I have actually been on a date, but then again, I'm not the kind of girl that dates, I rather get to know a person as a friend first.

5. A description of my self-esteem:
it's pretty swell.

6. Who my best friends are:
people I go to school with, 

7. My favorite book:
I probably just couldn't pick one, the velveteen rabbit, any written by Chuck Palahniuk and the Harry Potter series

8. Biggest turn-offs:
when boys act like jerks to other girls or people in general.

9. A description of my best friend:
she's not like me at all.

10. My favorite animal:

White tiger

11. Someone I miss:
in a weird way, Gerry

12. The reason behind my last breakup:
n/a

13. What I did yesterday:
I went to Mike's birthday party.

14. What my greatest achievement is:
I have no clue.

15. A description of the person I dislike most:
It's not that I dislike her, 'cause she's my friend, but it's very very very annoying that she just cut her hair like mine.

16. My 5 favorite songs right now:
Ingrid Michaelson's cover of Somebody that I used to know
Black swan - Thom Yorke
The Chills - Peter Bjorne & John
VCR - The XX
Last Nite - The Strokes
*based on my pandora playlist*

17. How my last kiss went down.
It actually kinda sucked, tbh. I liked this guy since I was 12 years old and I finally got my chance to be with him, and in some weird way he wasn't who I wanted to be with, and he didn't felt right... and neither did the kiss.

18. What I find attractive in the preferred sex.
a bad-ass attitude.

19. All of the pets I’ve ever had.
ugh, too long.

20. Favorite flavor of ice cream.

vanilla + oreo

21. The one place I want to be right now.
anywhere but here, I do feel like running away

22. The meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.
calling me names based on my weight.

23. Where I have lived before.
Lawrence, MA. (about 20 mins. from Boston)
New York City

24. I’ll love you if…
you make me an awesome playlist.

25. What are my future plans?
don't really think I have any.

26. An internal conflict I have with myself.

Lately I've been very depressed, I feel trapped.

27. What I’m doing tomorrow.
Going to school in the evening, and maybe earlier dying my hair again.

28. What I want to be when I get older.
happy?

29. Most embarrassing moment.
I can't think of any right now.

30. Two of my insecurities.
Many of my physical features
I deeply believe nobody really likes me.

31. What I would do if I won the lottery.
I'd buy the awesomest car I could afford.

32. A description of the boy or girl I like.
I don't like the word like (lol) because it implies a much deeper feeling to me,
a deeper connection and knowledge of the person whom you believe you're in likes with.
but he kinda have a nice heart, he's a bit of a dick on first look, but he seems to be much more than that. he's really nice and sweet.

33. What I love most about myself.
That people can not tell I have no confidence whatsoever.

34. My biggest pet peeves.
n/a

35. What bands I’ve seen live.
I would be very very ashamed if I told you this.

36. How many kids I want in the future.
I'm not sure, maybe two boys?

37. My idea of a perfect date.
just a good movie, an awesome conversation and a really sweet good night kiss.

38. What I’m really good at.
Apparently analyzing people.

39. Most traumatic experience.
Car crash.

40. Where I would like to live.
New York City, or any other big city in the world.
Maybe London <3

41. The nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
I love it when people say I'm interesting in a very mysterious way, never got why tho.

42. Do I like where I am now?
It's my room, it's messy.

43. My relationship with my sibling(s).
I don't like him at all. But that's a secret I'm only sharing with you.

44. All the pets I’ve ever had.
already asked!

45. What I can hear right now.
Mr. Nice Guy by The Kooks
and my folks watching tv on the back

46. My biggest worry currently.
sfsfwqed 

47. Something I’ve wished for repeatedly.
for love? 

48. My relationship with my parents.
they're okay

49. Something I should have said a long time ago.
I want you too, never got the chance nor the balls to do it.

50. What my last text message says.
Are you awake?
it was at 1:25 am

51. What I hate most about myself.
how a fucking mess I am.

52. Biggest turn-ons.
a bad-ass attitude,

eye sex.

when they're pretty forward and make me nervous.

lip biting.
tattoos
some piercings
nudity, etc.

53. What words upset me the most.
Any kind of racist/macho comment.

54. What I hate/hated the most about school.
I did not hate school, I pretty much miss it.

Tikal Futura

“La felicidad es un estado momentáneo de armonía entre la mente, el cuerpo y el corazón. El estado total de la felicidad tal vez sea la muerte. El más próximo es el orgasmo, también llamado la muerte chiquita, a causa de que la mente queda en blanco, el corazón agitado y el cuerpo satisfecho. De ello resulta que si una pareja alcanza al unísono el orgasmo, jamás se olvidarán, pero si lo alcanzan por separado, es posible que uno de ellos olvide al otro, o por lo menos lo releve de su corazón en su marcha de búsqueda de la felicidad. Por eso es que los viejos ya no la buscan por esta vía. De manera que mi orgasmo es solitario. Por eso escribo, para que por lo menos uno recuerde y el recuerdo no muera.”

(Franz Galich, “Tikal Futura. Memorias para un futuro incierto” 

I am but who am I?

"You are not your bra size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of calories in a day. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress. You are no amalgam of these things. You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries." 

I mean, they say you die twice.

One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.

boyfriend application.

• your name: 
• age:
• height:
• a little bit about yourself:
• your favourite movie:
• preferred movie genre:
• your 3 current favourite bands:
• your 3 current favourite songs:
• your 3 favourite TV shows:
• favourite foods:
• what would happen if your application should be accepted:
• why you are applying:
• what you think the perfect date is:

I want to take back the secrets I told you so I can decide now whether to tell them to you again. I want to take back the piece of me that lies in you, to see if I truly miss it. I want to take back at least half the “I love you”s, because it feels safer that way and because I didn’t mean them as much as the other ones.

- David Levithan 

just another list.

Just to be annoying.

• A. Why my last relationship ended:
  I don't know if qualify it as a relationship, but I think I didn't like him enough, and neither did he, but I can only speak for myself, and I think I was just bored and he was cute.
• B. Favourite band:
  it's not like I could just pick one, but if I had to it would be Brand New ♥
• C. Who I like and why I like them:
  I can't say I like someone, liking is much much deeper than what I feel about anyone right now, or so I'd like to believe.
• D. Hardest thing I’ve ever been through:
  my mom and dad being together.
• E. My best friend:
  I don't know if I could call her my best friend, since I don't like the therm, but I think she's the closest one. She's the only person who has been able to reach to me this deep, I usually don't let people in.
• F. My favourite movie:
  I have a huge list, but if I had to pick just one it would be Forrest Gump, or Donnie Darko.
• G. Sexual orientation:
  I am sexually attracted to boys only, I guess that makes me straight.
• H. Do I smoke/drink?
  Not really, just when I'm out and try to feel different. I must admit I have been a bit lost lately, and letting myself loose has been my way out of it, not sure if it has helped in the sightless, tho.
• I. Have any tattoos or piercings?
  Yes, I have a red and blue swallow bird tattoo on the back of my neck, and a few ear piercings.
• J. What I want to be when I get older:
  I guess I am older, but not sure of exactly what I want to be.
• K. Relationship with my parents:
  they're both cool, my mom is very close to me, and yet we fight a lot.
• L. One of my insecurities:
  I don't feel like people like me, or that anyone ever could. From what I've learned, people always like somebody else better than me.
• M. Virgin or not?
  yes.
• N. Favourite place to shop at?
  Urban outfitters, forever XXI, mango, Zara....
• O. My eye colour:
  hazel.
• P. Why I hate school:
  I don't hate school, I just wish I could open much more to people, have more friends.
• Q. Relationship status as of right now:
  single as fuck.
• R. Favourite song at the moment:
  my ringtone: M83's Midnight City
• S. A random fact about myself:
  I hate animal figures at the bottom of pools.
• T. Age I get mistaken for:
  It used to be 17, now I'm not sure.
• U. Where I want to be right now:
  anywhere fun, maybe NYC I love that place.
• V. Last time I cried:
  a few moments ago, lately I've been crying a lot.
• W. Concerts I’ve been to:
  none important.
• X. What would you do if (…)?
  ?
• Y. Do you want to go to college:
  i already am.
• Z. How are you?
  alive.

I'm in  love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.

- Augustus, “The Fault in our Stars” (John Green)

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

“This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

“Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to theirselves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.